17 Brutal Truths About Finding Love Nobody Wants to Admit


Do you remember that famous line by Jack Nicholson in the movie “A Few Good Men”? :

“You want the truth?!? You CAN’T HANDLE the truth!” Sometimes the truth is hard to share, especially such a topic as soft and lovely as finding love… and especially when I’m sharing it with people who want their soulmate journey to be like a sparkly fairy tale. Well, sometimes it IS like a fairy tale, but much of the time, it’s NOT. Like anything else worth attaining, finding love (and then KEEPING it alive) is hard sometimes and not for the faint of heart!

This is why Johnny and I deliver a 3 day experiential camp as the culmination of our full-year advanced program (The Love Launch Program). The name of that camp? Love Warrior Training Camp. Notice the word “warrior” in the name. Yes, love, too… but it’s a Love WARRIOR. Because there WILL be times in your life that you WILL need to pick up the metaphorical sword of the Warrior and wield it with love, cutting away all the crap that is stopping you from finding love, from keeping love alive and from living the life you’ve always dreamed of. In this highly experiential program, you PRACTICE (not just talk about or philosophize on the subject) BEING a Love Warrior, so that nothing can stop you from the life you desire, not even yourself.

So with that being said, I give you: [Love Warrior-style]
The 17 Brutal Truths About Finding Love Nobody Wants to Admit

  1. It’s possible that you never will find your Mr. Right. Sorry, honey. But this is the truth. There are plenty of folks that have gone to their grave without ever having connected with the man of their dreams. Doesn’t mean they weren’t wonderful people with a lot to offer, but for a variety of reasons (usually around it just not being THAT important for them), they couldn’t find the one for them. With this being said, I’m NOT saying to just throw up your hands and give up!
  2. Your obsession with finding a man is what prevents its attainment. If you are continually preoccupied or worried about catching a man, and that’s all you’re focusing on… that is what I call an OBSTACLE to finding him! Allow me to explain: You’re not looking for just any man, right? You’re looking for the love of your life, the alpha to your omega. So, something needs to change within YOU first to be able to do and see things differently, so you can get a different and better result. Start practicing NATO, No Attachment To Outcome, EVEN AS you make finding love a priority. Oh, and “making it a priority” is VERY different than obsessing and worrying about it. Worry does not = work, but that’s a blog post for another day.
  3. You will never be perfect, and neither will your soulmate. You will always have some faults and some quirks, as will your guy. You are human. You will make mistakes and so will he. When Johnny and I interviewed an amazing couple who were married over 67 years, we asked them what their secret was. Among other things, they said, “forgiveness of each other and a willingness to keep learning and growing”.
  4. Finding love in a conscious and intentional way will take longer than you think and longer than you’d like it to. (in other words, not waiting to just get lucky or just settling for any guy that comes along) That’s all I’m going to say about this. Don’t settle. Don’t give up (that’s where being a Love Warrior comes in).
  5. You need to take 100% responsibility for your life in order to find love. Victim minded people rarely become victors of their lives. Ditch the victim mentality. You CAN change your fate, regardless of your past.
  6. When something feels off in a relationship, it usually is. Many, many women don’t listen to their intuition and ignore the red flags. This is a habit and it’s something we help them break in our courses and programs. Practice listening to your intuition in the “little things” of life BEFORE you start dating a guy… your intuition is like a muscle: use it or lose it.
  7. Once you find your Mr. Right, there is still more learning to do about how to BE in a healthy, loving, lifetime relationship! And it’s not easy! Most women think that if they can just find that mystical unicorn of a man they call a soulmate, that it’ll all be so easy and won’t require effort. Nope, nope, nope. Like all relationships, they exist to help you both grow, learn about yourselves, and evolve. As Rumi said, “If you are irritated by every rub, how will your mirror be polished?” Relationships, especially soulmate relationships, exist partially to help you “polish that mirror”! If you aren’t willing to do some “polishing” now, you won’t be ready when Mr. Perfect comes along either.
  8. You want to be someone’s wife and mother someday? You’ve got to learn to OWN that role NOW. What do I mean? I mean, start getting clear on what those roles will look like for you. When you are a wife (and maybe mother, if that’s what you want)… how will you be? How will you talk, walk, engage with the world and interact with your husband? Start energetically stepping into that role now.
  9. Things don’t really change until YOU change. Wherever you go, there you are. In other words, you bring yourself (and your issues and patterns) with you. If you’ve ever noticed that you seem to mysteriously attract similar types of guys with similar issues (lack of commitment, not emotionally available, etc), then it’s YOU that has an unhealthy pattern. That pattern must be changed for you to attract someone different- and better.redflowergirl
  10.  Your level of beauty, your wrinkles, and your weight mean very little when it comes to finding a QUALITY man (or woman) to spend your life with. In other words, focusing on these things is a waste of time. YOU may be obsessed with your new wrinkles around your eyes, or the size of your nose… and members of your family may have been unkind to you about them over the years… but, let me tell you something: a healthy (meaning emotionally mature and stable), masculine man who’s TRULY interested in you could NOT CARE LESS about these things!!!!! I promise you. If you date someone who tells you that you have to change your nose, or lose weight, or get rid of your wrinkles, you need to turn around and walk out the door immediately!
  11.  Investing in yourself isn’t selfish. In fact, it’s the most worthwhile thing you can do. You do you, boo-boo. Putting time, energy and money in learning about yourself, about relationships and men will be an investment you’ll never regret… and your beloved will benefit, too.
  12.  “Instant chemistry” with someone usually is temporary and fleeting, so stop chasing fireworks and get real about what really matters for a long term, loving, healthy relationship that allows the passion and chemistry to grow and expand. Many people think that instant chemistry is what they need to determine who’s going to be a match for them. WRONG. C’mon, think about that for a moment. Think of the relationships where you had those instant fireworks that pretty quickly faded in the light of day, in the light of the deep, Love Warrior commitment it takes to STAY connected, open, authentic, loving and in love with each other. If HEAT didn’t keep you with that last cute guy, it won’t with the next guy. What’s REALLY hot is someone who you get more hot for every month and year, and he for you. THAT’s hot!
  13.  Your dreams of finding your true love mean very little without action. Dreams are great. Making a vision board: awesome. Law of Attraction principles? Love them! HOWEVER, if you have a pattern of attracting the wrong type of man for you over and over, all the LOA techniques will only get you more of the same type of guy! Those unhealthy patterns and blocks MUST be healed and addressed in order to start attracting someone different- and better than ever! There’s NEVER just ONE reason why someone isn’t able to find the right relationship, so delving into what’s going on right now makes sense, none of us knows how many reasons there are for us. And in my experience (for myself and my clients) there’s WAY more reasons than we realize at first.
  14.  Yes, you are right: the clock is ticking. Time is your most important asset, start getting clear on what your true priorities are and act accordingly. You have both the power and the responsibility to decide what you are going to do with your time, so choose wisely.
  15.  Being alone and single longer you want to be is painful. It hurts. Don’t try to play it off like it doesn’t. I’m not saying go around boo-hooing all over the place, but don’t engage in the typical “stuff it down” behaviors like overworking, overeating, over-busy-busy-busying when none of that calms the ache in your heart. You want to be in a relationship, with your man, don’t be ashamed of that- embrace it! You already know that the next raise or promotion or car or dress won’t soothe your soul (not that those things aren’t nice, and congrats), so be real about it with yourself and start having your life reflect what’s in your heart. Stop stuffing down your truth. You’ll feel better.
  16.  Yes. You’re getting older and many men are looking for younger. Are you looking for MANY men or the RIGHT man for you? My guess is you are looking for your One. One man. Is there ONE good man, warm hearted, strong, caring, and interested in…YOU? Yes. Probably way more than one. The man that is looking for a woman that could pass for his daughter isn’t really the guy you’re looking for anyway, so who cares about him? Again, you do you. And yes, put some Love Warrior energy into this one!
  17.  If you’re not nearly doubling the time, energy, attention, and money you put into learning about yourself, learning about relationships, learning to love yourself and your life every year once you decide that you are SERIOUS about wanting to find your Mr Right then you’re just fooling yourself about how important this is for you. There isn’t just one reason why someone who wants to be happily married to the right man for her isn’t, after many years…so what’s going on? It takes dedicated focus to learn the answer for you. It’s different for everyone. Once I was ready to find my soulmate, once I was SERIOUS: my investment in myself went way up. My self assessment (sometimes YAY! Sometimes ouch!) went WAY up. After over 16 years being together with the love of my life I’m glad I did. You will be too.

As you contemplate these “17 brutal truths”, what clicked for you? And what are you feeling the most frustrated about in your search for love lately? Please share in the comments below here on the blog, and I’ll get back to you.


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  1. Em said: March 27, 2017 at 12:04 pm

    I really do worry about weight loss & could do with losing a minimum of 2 & half stone it effects my self esteem how I dress etc… are you saying it does not matter ? As I also worry about lose skin when I lose it : ( xXx

    • Anna -Community Support said: January 19, 2018 at 6:44 pm

      Hi Em, thank you so much for your comment! And let me say, if it matters to you, then it matters! What Lara is saying is that your perfect partner will not see those “flaws” as a deal breaker, and it will not make them love you less…but if your weight (for example) is causing self esteem issues and YOU want to lose weight for yourself, then it is something you should pursue because if that is going to make you happy then that will translate into a higher self esteem…and it will start affecting your mood/feelings in a positive way! Your feelings are so important, and your worries are valid, we highly encourage you to look into whatever you think will help you and make YOU happy! <3

  2. Jessica said: December 17, 2016 at 7:04 pm

    So glad to be re-reading this post! A nice dose of inspiration to support me as I move forward on my love Journey. Thanks Lara!


    • Anna -Community Support said: January 19, 2018 at 6:44 pm

      Thank you so much for your kind words, Jessica! 🙂

  3. Wendy said: October 5, 2016 at 11:27 am

    I seem to end up with men who have issues such as: drug addiction, sex addiction, narcissism and bi-polar issues. They all start out as the nicest guys on the planet while hiding who they really are. How do I break this cycle?

    • Anna -Community Support said: January 19, 2018 at 6:45 pm

      Wendy, it’s great that you can accept that there is a cycle and you can recognize that something might need tweaking! I invite you to continue following the content posted by Johnny and Lara, and I also want to share this with you, I think you will find it interesting! http://menofqualitydoexist.com/

  4. Linda R. Hawes said: September 26, 2016 at 8:40 am

    Hi Johnny and Hi Lara,
    Loved re-reading your 17 points about love. And getting into a relationship for me with someone began in the spring of 2016 during your LLTP course. It’s all about trusting the process, being willing to really listen to inner guidance and also to that other person. In my situation, the man who has imprinted himself on me is really a good friend – for the time being. He is 10 years older. I am 74. I am listening to his voice but also hearing and paying attention to mine. Often fear crops up. I question. Then I re-read recent emails and get a better view. We are 5 hours apart by car, so we are taking our time and paying attention to growing. It’s scary. It’s fun. It’s an adventure and remembering – what I do in one thing is how I do everything – is helping me really be honest. So thanks for helping me grow-up. Linda xo

    • Anna -Community Support said: January 19, 2018 at 6:47 pm

      Linda! Oh my goodness your post put the biggest smile on my face! what a wonderful thing to read 😀 we are so happy for you and thank you for your kind words. <3

  5. Sophie E said: September 23, 2016 at 11:01 am

    Hi there, so, I’m curious to know what you think about men advertising as, “Single,” on a dating site when in fact they are not yet divorced. I hear friends talk like this is normal, “He’s in the process.” Like I should accept this. To me, that man is not available. Is this one of those “brutal truths” that sometimes your dream man comes as still married? I have heard of this working out but to me, I am skeptical. Especially from the initial deception. Thank you!

    • Anna -Community Support said: January 19, 2018 at 6:49 pm

      Sophie, if it’s something you feel that is not acceptable for you then that is a valid feeling! Divorce is a hard process but it is important to start a new relationship with a clean slate and feel trust from the very beginning!

      I want to invite you to our upcoming event: http://menofqualitydoexist.com/ maybe it will be of interest to you!

  6. Lin said: September 23, 2016 at 9:53 am

    After listening too one of your videos, I don’t think having a fullfilling relationship has been a deep down core belief. I was raised without a father, as was my mother and she said we did not need a man . I had no example,I married young someone cold and we lead totally separate non emotional lives. I am realizing now i do need and want emotional fulfillment with a man. I have just divorced at 54 and trying to figure out how to get and give what i need. The first man i became involved with seemed emotional , very tender but now has turned out to be identical to my husband not emotionally available. I am trying to break the pattern but I am not sure at this point how.

    • Anna -Community Support said: January 19, 2018 at 6:52 pm

      Hi Lin, thank you so much for sharing that with us! it’s definitely a hard spot to be in, ending a marriage (even under the circumstances you describe) and starting to date again can be a challenge. It sounds like you are open to learn and make changes, that is a great first step! I want to tell you about one of our upcoming events: http://menofqualitydoexist.com/ you might find something that you feel might help you! 😀

  7. Lisanne said: September 21, 2016 at 8:07 pm

    I love your podcast and your willingness to connect with us; thank you! I agree with all of your suggestions wholeheartedly. Let me ask you this: why am I attracting perpetually unavailable men? How do I do the work to find out why I’m repeating this pattern? Thanks!

    • Lara Fernandez said: September 27, 2016 at 2:52 pm

      Thanks for your questions. They are the same questions I had when I was single and dating!
      Here’s another brutal truth: If you keep attracting unavailable men, they are MIRRORS for you. What I mean is, there is somewhere in your mind and heart where you are unavailable. Please know I say this with all respect. But this is the painful truth I had to face, too. And with help and guidance to from a good love coach, you can find out where you are putting out those unavailable vibes and clear them up. In my experience, they are simply a blind spot for most women, so we need support from a compassionate, experienced love coach to uncover them.
      You asked: How do you do the work to find out why you’re repeating this pattern. This is the reason we offer our telecourses, our Love Breakthrough Weekend and our advanced programs: to help amazing women like you do that inner work with guidance and support from Johnny and me (so you get a masculine and feminine perspective from a couple who’s BEEN THERE). Stay tuned! We’d love to support you in doing your inner work so you can fall in love… with yourself, with your life, and with the RIGHT man for you.

  8. Laura Kaufman Weisbord said: September 21, 2016 at 2:58 am

    oh my u r correct in all u say.optimism is important,though i believe that love is as perennial as flowers. we need to tend the soil of ourselves to assure that love grows. thank you for sharing so much wisdom. Never give up is the one that most resonates for me.

    • Lara Fernandez said: September 21, 2016 at 3:08 pm


  9. sah said: September 20, 2016 at 8:50 pm

    1.If I never do find Mr Right, I hope I will be enjoying relationships along the way that show that I have improved in my choices. But I keep coming back to this man of my dreams so it must be very important and possible for me.
    2. Sometimes this means deleting an email instead of trying to get all the tips, knowledge, and suggestions I can by reading as many as possible! It means being discerning, even with the emails I choose to look at anymore.
    3. Give me imperfections! I will take them.
    4.I know this one!
    5.No problem.
    6. It has taken years of learning to first of all know what is intuition, 2nd of all listening, and 3rd doing what it tells me to. 
    7.I so want to learn more!
    8.I have been a wife. I am a mother. I just want to be me!
    9.Again, years of learning!
    10.This has been a tough one. I have been focused on my face and wrinkles and so trying to remind myself that the right man will love all of me. This is not a bad thing. I am learning to attract in a different way than just physically. And it is an adjustment but a much-needed one.
    11.This is the best way to handle all relationships!
    12.Chemistry is important to me, but I have been letting it lead me instead of taking the necessary time to build a relationship that includes constancy, consistency, and chemistry.
    13.Layer after layer! Just how many are there?And when will enough actually be enough? Ugh! 
    14. Yes, in all matters.
    15.Got almost no boo hooing left.
    16.One man. What I could do with one man!
    And those are my responses!

    • Lara Fernandez said: September 21, 2016 at 3:08 pm

      Thanks, Sah!

  10. Kamelia said: September 20, 2016 at 3:00 pm

    The 17th truths are truths and it doesn’t seem to be bruttal if something hurts…in general.
    As for myself I don’t feel any frustration.

    Finding true love might not be easy, keeping it alive might not be easy too but when it’s true love, both partners will be willing and can find a way to keep it alive.

    It’s true that we are not perfect as human beings and will never be perfect but what is important is what was mentioned… “forgiveness of each other and a willingness to keep learning and growing” and the love itself, the love for each other can keep the love alive and the life beautiful and worthy living it.

    • Lara Fernandez said: September 20, 2016 at 4:02 pm


  11. LaTanya said: September 20, 2016 at 1:35 pm

    I resonate with #12. It doesn’t have to be fireworks when you meet. I meet a LOT of good men. And I realize I am the common denominator in all the meetings. I have just the opposite challenge. I have met great men but just none that I feel a connection with. I am dating a gentleman now and he has everything I am looking for in a man… but (you knew that was coming), he talks none stop and I barely get to comment unless I just but in and express myself. Also, I am 58, excellent health, exercise and eat right daily but, my libido is next to none. My gentleman friend enjoys intimacy, not sure if I can or want to keep up with his desires. What do you recommend for someone like me? Other than that he’s a gentleman, understanding, caring, supportive, loves to travel and experience new things as I do, intelligent, financially stable, I could go on. (smiles) Help! Is there a class for me?

    • Lara Fernandez said: September 20, 2016 at 4:02 pm

      If your libido is low/non-existent, you may want to get your hormones checked. Sometimes it’s a matter of naturally balancing them out. Something to consider.
      Also, you might consider just letting him know that you’d love to have more equal airtime in your conversations. You can say that respectfully and see what happens.

  12. Reem said: September 20, 2016 at 11:23 am

    After i took the course for soulmate love my quality of life changed. Im happy now taking it to the next level and finding myself. All of these points are helpful to read, they aren’t brutal anymore,they are a wake up call for the route to happiness.

    Thank you Jonny and Lara!

    • Lara Fernandez said: September 20, 2016 at 3:56 pm

      You’re welcome, Reem. So glad to hear these truths aren’t brutal anymore… they can be at first!

  13. Lanie said: September 20, 2016 at 11:02 am

    This was so helpful! Several points clicked for me, but the delving into the more than one reason I have Not met him (or maybe I have) yet as well as the clock is ticking as well as Yes, it does hurt to be single sometimes, but geez! I have to be selective because I have special qualities that would fit with one type and not the other. I am searching for my Type!

    Thanks so much! This was a truly helpful article.

    • Lara Fernandez said: September 20, 2016 at 3:55 pm

      You’re welcome, Lanie.

  14. Kristi said: September 20, 2016 at 10:25 am

    You forgot to say one last thing….Enjoy the journey!

    • Lara Fernandez said: September 20, 2016 at 3:54 pm

      I agree…. it’s important to enjoy the journey as much as possible. It’s hard sometimes, especially when you’ve been looking and looking for years and nothing seems to change.

    • Catherine said: September 23, 2016 at 2:51 pm

      Right on! Those are all the things I did to attract and finally be with the love of my life. We just got married on Labor Day weekend! 🙂