Do you remember that famous line by Jack Nicholson in the movie “A Few Good Men”? :
“You want the truth?!? You CAN’T HANDLE the truth!” Sometimes the truth is hard to share, especially such a topic as soft and lovely as finding love… and especially when I’m sharing it with people who want their soulmate journey to be like a sparkly fairy tale. Well, sometimes it IS like a fairy tale, but much of the time, it’s NOT. Like anything else worth attaining, finding love (and then KEEPING it alive) is hard sometimes and not for the faint of heart!
This is why Johnny and I deliver a 3 day experiential camp as the culmination of our full-year advanced program (The Love Launch Program). The name of that camp? Love Warrior Training Camp. Notice the word “warrior” in the name. Yes, love, too… but it’s a Love WARRIOR. Because there WILL be times in your life that you WILL need to pick up the metaphorical sword of the Warrior and wield it with love, cutting away all the crap that is stopping you from finding love, from keeping love alive and from living the life you’ve always dreamed of. In this highly experiential program, you PRACTICE (not just talk about or philosophize on the subject) BEING a Love Warrior, so that nothing can stop you from the life you desire, not even yourself.
So with that being said, I give you: [Love Warrior-style]
The 17 Brutal Truths About Finding Love Nobody Wants to Admit
- It’s possible that you never will find your Mr. Right. Sorry, honey. But this is the truth. There are plenty of folks that have gone to their grave without ever having connected with the man of their dreams. Doesn’t mean they weren’t wonderful people with a lot to offer, but for a variety of reasons (usually around it just not being THAT important for them), they couldn’t find the one for them. With this being said, I’m NOT saying to just throw up your hands and give up!
- Your obsession with finding a man is what prevents its attainment. If you are continually preoccupied or worried about catching a man, and that’s all you’re focusing on… that is what I call an OBSTACLE to finding him! Allow me to explain: You’re not looking for just any man, right? You’re looking for the love of your life, the alpha to your omega. So, something needs to change within YOU first to be able to do and see things differently, so you can get a different and better result. Start practicing NATO, No Attachment To Outcome, EVEN AS you make finding love a priority. Oh, and “making it a priority” is VERY different than obsessing and worrying about it. Worry does not = work, but that’s a blog post for another day.
- You will never be perfect, and neither will your soulmate. You will always have some faults and some quirks, as will your guy. You are human. You will make mistakes and so will he. When Johnny and I interviewed an amazing couple who were married over 67 years, we asked them what their secret was. Among other things, they said, “forgiveness of each other and a willingness to keep learning and growing”.
- Finding love in a conscious and intentional way will take longer than you think and longer than you’d like it to. (in other words, not waiting to just get lucky or just settling for any guy that comes along) That’s all I’m going to say about this. Don’t settle. Don’t give up (that’s where being a Love Warrior comes in).
- You need to take 100% responsibility for your life in order to find love. Victim minded people rarely become victors of their lives. Ditch the victim mentality. You CAN change your fate, regardless of your past.
- When something feels off in a relationship, it usually is. Many, many women don’t listen to their intuition and ignore the red flags. This is a habit and it’s something we help them break in our courses and programs. Practice listening to your intuition in the “little things” of life BEFORE you start dating a guy… your intuition is like a muscle: use it or lose it.
- Once you find your Mr. Right, there is still more learning to do about how to BE in a healthy, loving, lifetime relationship! And it’s not easy! Most women think that if they can just find that mystical unicorn of a man they call a soulmate, that it’ll all be so easy and won’t require effort. Nope, nope, nope. Like all relationships, they exist to help you both grow, learn about yourselves, and evolve. As Rumi said, “If you are irritated by every rub, how will your mirror be polished?” Relationships, especially soulmate relationships, exist partially to help you “polish that mirror”! If you aren’t willing to do some “polishing” now, you won’t be ready when Mr. Perfect comes along either.
- You want to be someone’s wife and mother someday? You’ve got to learn to OWN that role NOW. What do I mean? I mean, start getting clear on what those roles will look like for you. When you are a wife (and maybe mother, if that’s what you want)… how will you be? How will you talk, walk, engage with the world and interact with your husband? Start energetically stepping into that role now.
- Things don’t really change until YOU change. Wherever you go, there you are. In other words, you bring yourself (and your issues and patterns) with you. If you’ve ever noticed that you seem to mysteriously attract similar types of guys with similar issues (lack of commitment, not emotionally available, etc), then it’s YOU that has an unhealthy pattern. That pattern must be changed for you to attract someone different- and better.
- Your level of beauty, your wrinkles, and your weight mean very little when it comes to finding a QUALITY man (or woman) to spend your life with. In other words, focusing on these things is a waste of time. YOU may be obsessed with your new wrinkles around your eyes, or the size of your nose… and members of your family may have been unkind to you about them over the years… but, let me tell you something: a healthy (meaning emotionally mature and stable), masculine man who’s TRULY interested in you could NOT CARE LESS about these things!!!!! I promise you. If you date someone who tells you that you have to change your nose, or lose weight, or get rid of your wrinkles, you need to turn around and walk out the door immediately!
- Investing in yourself isn’t selfish. In fact, it’s the most worthwhile thing you can do. You do you, boo-boo. Putting time, energy and money in learning about yourself, about relationships and men will be an investment you’ll never regret… and your beloved will benefit, too.
- “Instant chemistry” with someone usually is temporary and fleeting, so stop chasing fireworks and get real about what really matters for a long term, loving, healthy relationship that allows the passion and chemistry to grow and expand. Many people think that instant chemistry is what they need to determine who’s going to be a match for them. WRONG. C’mon, think about that for a moment. Think of the relationships where you had those instant fireworks that pretty quickly faded in the light of day, in the light of the deep, Love Warrior commitment it takes to STAY connected, open, authentic, loving and in love with each other. If HEAT didn’t keep you with that last cute guy, it won’t with the next guy. What’s REALLY hot is someone who you get more hot for every month and year, and he for you. THAT’s hot!
- Your dreams of finding your true love mean very little without action. Dreams are great. Making a vision board: awesome. Law of Attraction principles? Love them! HOWEVER, if you have a pattern of attracting the wrong type of man for you over and over, all the LOA techniques will only get you more of the same type of guy! Those unhealthy patterns and blocks MUST be healed and addressed in order to start attracting someone different- and better than ever! There’s NEVER just ONE reason why someone isn’t able to find the right relationship, so delving into what’s going on right now makes sense, none of us knows how many reasons there are for us. And in my experience (for myself and my clients) there’s WAY more reasons than we realize at first.
- Yes, you are right: the clock is ticking. Time is your most important asset, start getting clear on what your true priorities are and act accordingly. You have both the power and the responsibility to decide what you are going to do with your time, so choose wisely.
- Being alone and single longer you want to be is painful. It hurts. Don’t try to play it off like it doesn’t. I’m not saying go around boo-hooing all over the place, but don’t engage in the typical “stuff it down” behaviors like overworking, overeating, over-busy-busy-busying when none of that calms the ache in your heart. You want to be in a relationship, with your man, don’t be ashamed of that- embrace it! You already know that the next raise or promotion or car or dress won’t soothe your soul (not that those things aren’t nice, and congrats), so be real about it with yourself and start having your life reflect what’s in your heart. Stop stuffing down your truth. You’ll feel better.
- Yes. You’re getting older and many men are looking for younger. Are you looking for MANY men or the RIGHT man for you? My guess is you are looking for your One. One man. Is there ONE good man, warm hearted, strong, caring, and interested in…YOU? Yes. Probably way more than one. The man that is looking for a woman that could pass for his daughter isn’t really the guy you’re looking for anyway, so who cares about him? Again, you do you. And yes, put some Love Warrior energy into this one!
- If you’re not nearly doubling the time, energy, attention, and money you put into learning about yourself, learning about relationships, learning to love yourself and your life every year once you decide that you are SERIOUS about wanting to find your Mr Right then you’re just fooling yourself about how important this is for you. There isn’t just one reason why someone who wants to be happily married to the right man for her isn’t, after many years…so what’s going on? It takes dedicated focus to learn the answer for you. It’s different for everyone. Once I was ready to find my soulmate, once I was SERIOUS: my investment in myself went way up. My self assessment (sometimes YAY! Sometimes ouch!) went WAY up. After over 16 years being together with the love of my life I’m glad I did. You will be too.
As you contemplate these “17 brutal truths”, what clicked for you? And what are you feeling the most frustrated about in your search for love lately? Please share in the comments below here on the blog, and I’ll get back to you.